Dog Show Withdrawal
.....or maybe you know it's time for a break when...
1. After your dog does his duty in the backyard, you shriek, "Clean up!!!" to no one in particular. The neighbors begin to talk.
2. After checking your mailbox for the day's mail, you mindlessly wrap a post card around your arm and secure it with a rubber band. You feel funny if your arm doesn't feel like it's in a tourniquet. You feel even funnier after realizing that for several hours, you've been wearing a post card announcing that your Viagra order is in.
3. While shaking powdered sugar over your french toast, you suddenly and inexplicably shake enough powder to turn the air white. An odd calm comes over you now that you feel like you're in the middle of a grooming area.
4. You flawlessly perform a "T" pattern, perhaps the best one of your handling life. Done at the grocery store while handling a buggy, you simply forgot yourself when you saw those floor mats put down to protect against a wet floor. The produce man, sorting the cucumbers, will never forget you.
5. You find yourself awkwardly changing clothes while hovering precariously over the toilet in your own house even though an additional 1800 square feet of living space is just outside the bathroom door.
6. You accost strange men and women who are dressed nicely and wearing any sort of official looking badge. Police are called in when you insist that a bank teller tell you what it is he didn't like about your dog.
7. You ask a pharmacist when Group Order will be posted. She calls security.
8. Before leaving to get popcorn, you set orange traffic cones around your theater seat to ensure that it's still there for you when you come back.
9. A friend stops to admire your new van and you quickly run to the other side of the car so as not to be standing between your friend and the view of the car.
10. Before you can stop yourself, you ask the Avon saleswoman if the makeup she's trying to sell you will help with food stains around the mouth.
11. When introduced to your neighbor's young nieces and nephews, your hand unconsciously goes to your hip pocket so you can offer them some bait.
12. When you hear the good news that your sister is pregnant, you ask her "when is your whelping date"?
by Susi Szeremy